I am back.Its been some time,what a month or so,maybe even more.Last time i wrote i was so hurt,feeling the sweet venom of distrust towards myself,which made some old thoughts and dark desires to come forward from that pit i locked them up so long ago.I felt before that i made a progress,from the time i wanted to hurt myself,both by act and thoughts,that my past was just to reminiscent,to look back and learn from my scars…But we all know the truth.We who bathed in the pool of depression,we are addicts.
Different kind of drug
It is true.One way or another we are addicts.Some people are addicted to drugs,others to alcohol,and we?What can a person who knew only pain and darkness all their life be addicted to,but to the very thing it consumes it,seeks to destroy it.We are addicted to the darkness and the sweet lullaby of sorrow and pain,the only familiar and constant of our life.Because where everything is ever changing,pain is eternal,right?That is the reason we so often return to it,as the only thing in our lives we knew is always waiting for us. Battling depression is a daily task,no one can be cured forever,it takes it to battle it each and single day,and all it takes is one bad day,one slip to get back to the bottom of the barrel we looked so hard to climb out.That happend to me.I cant now even after my last post here to escape this feeling of self end,maybe even wanting it more than ever.The sweet words that my mind i whispering are sounding more and more tempting,and it takes more and more everyday to resist to comply.Writing is something that does bring me joy,maybe its the only damn thing in this forgotten and landless rock that fulfills me.Ok it is not.There is one more thing.Someone.And i am here.5 countrys away,broken,knowing as days pass,it seems more and more unlikely that ill return,feel her sweet embrace,hug her.I keep telling her sorry and apologizing for being such a screw up.She keeps saying its ok she will wait.But i can see it on her face,how it gets harder to believe her own words,and maybe we are both thinking that we are lying to ourselves saying we will be together.
The Truth
IS that i am afraid one of us will eventually give up.And maybe it will be me.Maybe ill give up on myself,because as i said it is getting so damn hard to believe in myself that i am more than a screw up,failure.I know that if i am gone,not many tears would be shed,but maybe you dont need rain but a single drop to make you be worth it.But the truth is…i am tired.I dont know how long i can keep on living.Knowing this meaningless entropy of my life is nothing worthy of mentioning.The eternal sweet slumber keeps sounding more and more appealing ,knowing master Dream awaits.I keep on weighting things,somewhat a mental pro and against charade. But how not to think if i am just lying to myself.I am having a birthday in two weeks.The fact ill spend it alone,in this small room,it sickens me. Knowing there is one person who cares about me,adn i wont feel her warm embrace. Knowing i can not be worthy.And please would someone tell me how not to resist the self proposition of directing your own ending?Because right now,i am not seeing any good arguments myself…
Idiocracy IRL 