I think this will be my last blog.I havent written in days.The thing is i have fallen again.My gf lives in UK now,and me in my godforsaken country.We aint that far,just a 3 hour flight away.But few days ago i got another mail where they deny me a job.And this dance of denial is been going for a while.The plan was to come this week to London where we would be together,coz we were certain i would get the job being so close in lets say final round of interviews.I called her with heavy heart and told her i failed once again.And as tears dropped down her face,i could feel mine as well.I never cried,neither when i was close to dying,neither when i lived on my own and had nothing,but knowing i failed someone who got me up from despair it broke me.These few days i have been motionless,trying to figure out what to do.When i saw her tears i couldnt handle my own,seeing that person who means so much to me sad.I told her then i wouldnt blame her for braking up,leaving me.Coz i dont think ill be anything else but this failure,this embarrassment.I am nothing and i feel like nothing.And voices in my head that were silent for so long began to surface.Telling me i can end it right now and then,reliving her of the burden i am.Coz i am nothing but a burden.She is amazing she really is.She has been there for me and helped me to keep my head up high.But i feel like i failed her,like i cant justify all her love and trust given unto me.She deserves someone who isnt a nobody,a nothing.Even tho she said she will stay with me ,and even tho she thought of leaving me,i still feel like i should relive her of the burden i am.Because how can anyone date and be with a failure,with a loser who cant get anything from life.I feel i was given this life for nothing,i feel like i am past due my expiration date.Yes suicide is ringing in my mind,and it gets harder and harder not to see the reason it speaks.If i suffer i dont think someone who cares about me should suffer too just coz i am broken.And i feel like i have been broken now beyond repair. Everything i try it seems to fall apart,nothing will work and everything i touch it turns to shit.I am meaningless,pointless and hollow.And i really cant write anymore.Idk if anyone reads this,but i hoped to aachieve something with this,maybe a point to prove to myself…All i have proven is that i am not really good at anything.
Goodbye for now,maybe not forever…,
Vik.
Idiocracy IRL 