Sitting here, i can’t wonder whats the purpose of this… Of me putting my thoughts on this web paper so to speak, sure it offerd me some comfort. I don’t know anymore, what’s the exact purpose of this. It started as some kind of New Year resolution thing, i know i know most people do gym or trying to get back to others as a resolution, but i started this as a way to went out my thoughts, my doubts, my frustrations… And truth be told i found again some passion for writing, some passion for anything to be honest. Lately my life has been going at a singular curve, not really going anywhere but towards the finish line. Stuck at a demeaning job, no really finding happiness in life, i am afraid. Afraid of this stagnation, afraid i am just doing that, waiting on one place for the last call of life, for the last bow until the curtains fall on the stage. I wish to be better, to be someone, to be something… And i am afraid… I have gone through life looking to my parents and most if people working demeaning jobs, pissing blood, and taking crap after crap, being miserable, just because they need some moeny. I am not afraid of death, but i am afraid of not living my life. Before the curtain falls, i want to look back on the play of my life, and accepting the final end of the play. After all isn’t that what we all strive to? To live our life to the fullest, finding our purpose and not having any regrets at the end? Even tho i know no one will read this, it’s refreshing to get this off my chest, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll have that light bulb over my head light up, an idea of salvation from this stagnation…
Some days are harder then the rest,some are better,but what gets you is the inconsistency of things,you wake up today and dont know is today one of the good ones or another bad one…A constant struggle,a never ending battle this is…Truth to be told i dont fear fighting on every single day,i am afraid the question,what if i just wake up one day,so tired and exhausted,that i wont have the strength to fight?
The Will to Live
We constantly try to find reasons,excuses if you want,something to make us cling on,fight on,a reason to live.May it be a loved one,some better future or anything that gives us hope,i can not wonder is those things only illusions,sweet lies we tell each other,to ourselfs. They say hope can be a treacherous thing,like a whisper on the wind,it can come to pass by,when you need the most,but as easily as it comes it can go away.It makes me fearful,that we such fragile creatures depend on a something even more fragile then ourselfs…hope.In my demise i often wondered,if its better to cling on some other vices then the karmatic hope.I often tried to surround myself with chaos,and most times i found something poetic in it.The never ending song of chaos,as much as it hurts,we find ourselfs greeting pain as an old friend,an old friend who we only know it all that darkness surrounding us.Looking around seeing all those people living all those lives,i ask myself…is it me who is wrong?They cling to things they even dont know,things that aint everlasting,things that are ever changing,so what difference makes if i cling to my familiar?Maybe the sad truth is…no one knows exactly how to live…we just try our best…
Masks we wear
How well do we know each other?We all wear masks,no one wanting to show our true face to those near us.To us it means a weakness.To let everyone see the cards we hold in our hands,to read our game…But what happens when we wear masks on top of masks,getting deeper and deeper into that rabbit hole,until we wake up,looking into that mirror,not recognizing the person standing in front of us?Its easy to get lost once we find ourselfs in the dark,but sometimes as so it happens,we find ourselfs in it.In the dark,stripped from all,the emotions,desires,voices of the outside world,we can see clearly what kinda people we are.And i dont know what is to fear more from those two options…Some days are harder then the others…i find no one around me who would understand,and how could they?I still feel like an outcast,not belonging to any side but my own,i feel like i created myself to be what i want…I just wonder…is that something i should see as an achievement…or something i should fear?…
I often find myself, deep in the night, lacking the sweet embrace of dreams,in the distant hours, staring, waiting… They say the creatures of the night don’t sleep when the sun goes down,and i often havo to understand them. I feel trapped when then sun goes up, when the dawn greets the day, i can not think about the dusk what it will bring…
Why we embrace what we know…
Darkness is to us like an old friend. When we didn’t have any comfort, we we thrown in it like an endless pit, and how not to feel some kind of relief, some kind warmth, coz how can we not, when darkness becomes only familiar in the wasteland we dare to walk on. And thats just hoe our mind works. Clinging on to the things we know, things we understand. Its hard to move in fromt that dark. Even tho for you meet others and for their own sake, we try to walk to the light, on that path illuminated by light, a part of us will always come back to that familiar, to that well known… How can we depart after all from an old friend?
Some kind of self-belief
True we might still cling to the dark, walk onto the light and still mourn for the night… But should we change? Does anyone? We are creatures of habit, of learning and experience.Maybe we have a unique gift of walking the both sides, understanding and seeing the world as a whole, as it really is… But i often fear, that i will be consumed by the night as i once was, because every day we walk is a battle, for our own mind, for our own sake, and for our own destiny? We might be only one bad day from total relapse, but we are creatures who know and understand the reward and punishment of choosing sides….
What is the saying, i never can get it right… Better to love and lost, then never know love at all? True, as all things in life go love and a broken heart is inevitable, we all are destined to know loves sweet and sometimes venomous embrace. But what to do next, how to pick up pieces of yourself in the aftermath?
A leap of faith
True, everyone not just us with anxiety and depression, have a hard time trusting anyone after that aftermath. And how can you blame us? When we constantly hear our own voices of self doubt, qnd every single day we fight with our own demons just to get throughout the day? Its hard for anyone to give a part of ourselves, and maybe the biggest reason is that we fear acceptance, or the lack of it. We fear, dread and question how can anyone accept us our faults, our flaws and our chaos when most of the time we can’t accept ourselves? Unfortunately it all comes down to a leap of faith. Yes maybe our burden will be too heavy for some, but people, we survived and we do survive every single day such chaos such pain, which our lives and our mind create. Not everyone can do that but here we are, though bastards, after everything life has thrown at us, we are still standing. So maybe that leap doesn’t look so bad, just maybe the view from above isnt that scary…
To accept someone, accept yourself
Yea i know. Sounds hard to trust someone when most of the times we don’t trust ourselves. But trusts me, to let anyone into our lives we need to first let ourselves in. Accept ourselves how we are. I know most of us, we look our own image in the mirror with loathing, strong self hate and despair. But in all that chaos, in all that pain, there is a beauty. Beauty of strength, a beauty of survival. Our scars tell our story, tell a story of our own might, of our own strength, they tell the people around us that we fought on where many would fall, they tell we walked through our own personal hell and walkes through the other side, scared yes, but alive. See it as a testament of your own strength, of your own might. As flawed we might seem, we still are people who were delt with a shitty hand in life and did thr best they could. Where many would kneel, we stood up and fought on. If you can see your flaws, your own weaknesses, then dare to see your strength. We are all magnificent bastards who were determined by the flames of life that tested us, we walked through that fire.
A lone wolf
I know. Trust me. How after everything it seems, letting anyone near. As a lone wolf, yoh survive the winters of life. But its the pack that survives. Yes i admit people can be tough judgey, and greedy bastards… But there are us who understand, who can bear the burden and who are willing to carry it. Dont be afraid. We walked through the fire, we were kicked down, but we are still here. A heart is ment to be broken, but its also ment to be mend. You choose your own way how to walk your own path, but no one says you have to walk it alone. As much as we doubt people, dare to trust. Dare to take that leap of faith. They will understand. Be patient. And stay strong. We do constantly see our flaws, we constantly do doubt ourselves and our own self worth. But if you can see all the bad, dare to see the good as well. The bad always comes with the good. See what you really are… A fighter… A warrior… A survivor…
Presumption that evil and good exist as two final and conclude point is absurd to me.Why people often think they are absolute,conclusive and unchangeable?Most folks think if they obey one set of rules fixated by an organisation,may it be a governmental,religious or private,that what set of rules makes them better,makes them right then the people who find themselves on the other side of it.But looking the truth more closely,is it really like that?
Herd of lions led by a sheep…
“i dont fear the herd of sheeps led by a lion,but a herd of lions led by a sheep”
First of all,when it comes to religion,i always respect everyones beliefs.To what the deity they worship,i respect that.But i never can respect the organisation below it.I live in a country where more than 98% are Christians.And my education oriented,from highschool to collage,to be in the schools ran by the Church hierarchy see my fellow countrymen,giving their faith to a God,but bestowing that same faith and belief to an organisation led by men.I see poverty around me,hunger,crime,darkness,while the same organisation baths in gold,money and riches,but preaches moderation,love.But cant have faith if you dont support them,coz they came from God,they were the ones bestowed by him.So not paying them for masses,not listening to who to obey from government. Mass led by greedy sheeps,who look only for their interest.Using old technics,of God fearing,manipulation,and greed.To a country where you are taught to be same as your fathers,forefathers,that our neighbors are the evil,and anyone who has a different opinion is a heretic,an outcast.We suffer,hoping for a better life when we die,bleeding in this life,for men who say they know better,using the most sophisticated weapon,the system.Never daring to ask the question,if they preach that all men are supposedly equal,why do they steal bread for their peoples mouth?
The Line Between
We deal in absolutes. Good and evil,darkness and light,God and the Devil…Thinking that our side is the only side of good,and all others are opposite.But we dont see that to us our side and our actions might seem the good and others the evil,but isnt the same in vice versa?In war when two partys fight,to one their people are right,on the side of good one their enemys evil,and to their enemys they will think of themselfs as the bringers of good and to their people will seem the same.So how can Good and Evil be ultimate when after all its the matter of perspective…and everyone who says they are on one side are just a hypocrite.We are humans…greedy,treacherous bastards who arent really good or bad…we are just as the situation requires us to be…but who would admit that…Admitting that would mean we accept the line between good and bad,the line that divides it,walking that path to power,chaos…
The Song of Chaos and Anarchy
Its funny that the definition of Anarchy is”absence of government and absolute freedom of the individual, regarded as a political ideal. “Can we identify ourselfs as free,when since birth,our identity is getting predetermined by outside factors.Absence…sounding like we need a body of absolute to determine what freedom of thinking is…today we have individuals concerning themselves with matters of most insignificance,not thinking about the real issues…They punish our own way of thinking,living,our own freedom…And to rebel is a sin,heresy,crime…rebellion of mind,the upmost rebellion we should consider,because all that one requires to build his own mind,thinking and understanding of life as it really is,not predetermined by any laws,may that be religious,governmental or any other…there is a certain beauty of chaos,a song,a poem if you want….Because how can we progress as a society,as human beings,if we dont accept the life,in all its reality,in all its beauty and horror,stop looking through a looking glass,and stop bending our head,being part of the herd,letting someone else making our own belief and opinion…there is a beauty in chaos…and life…because its not so simple,its not all black and white…and its up to us…do we dare to look in the reality of the gray line dividing the black and white…and dare to walk down the line…
I often wonder about fate.No matter who you ask they all believe in one form of faith,destiny.As i sit in my living room,drinking the dark bitter coffee,i look constantly on the clock,sighing knowing soon ill have to go to my demeaning job,work another 10 hours.That routine became just that…a routine.I know,believe me,we all need to work,pay the bills,eat and all that shit,you know beggars cant be choosers.But fuck me i am human,i wonder all the time is this what Fate has in store for me,is this the cards that i been dealt with,or maybe there is more for me if i dare?
Different kind of Fate
Yea i do believe in fate.But not the bullshit like all is set in stone,that there is somewhere in this vast fuck up of a universe,a big tapestry so to say where all our lives and all moments of it are written and are waiting to come to be.To me Fate,i see as two points.One is unchangeable,set in the eternal stone of life,and other left to us to be decided.The first point,which cant be changed,is our birth.The day we dont have any control of,the point which everyone,mostly,is set to go through.And the other,the one we determine,the one we have effect on,is death. Life and death,two ultimate doors,which all of us are certain to pass through.Why is the other one given to us to be determined?I believe what determines the last point is the journey between the two points.That path that leads from one door to the other,is entirely up to us how to walk,what to do,and however we choose to walk,determines the last point.How we live determines how we die.We are destined when we come facing the final door,to look back,see our journey we took to get there,reflect on past,and all thats left to accept our decisions we took on the Path and walk through the Door. My point is we choose should we sit idly on stroll on our path,giving the least amount of resistance,or should we stand up high,fight with every fiver of our being,yearn for more,desire for more,and dare to reach for the unreachable?Maybe the final question is…is it better for settle for less,our outlive the fear of failure?Maybe is better to reach for the sky,then even if we fall,when the time comes,we stand facing the door,we wont have regrets,knowing we stood when we did,even failing,we fought against the odds?
Flight of Icarus
We all heard that story.Icarus got close to the sun,the heat burned his wings and he fell to his death.Even tho countless stories warn us like that,i cant help to wonder,shouldn’t we all reach above the sky like Icarus? We are all dreamers,inventors of our own imagination,why shouldn’t we dare to make our dreams reality?As someone who works and worked demeaning jobs all his life,i sit here wondering how the warm embrace of sun feels,and like Icarus,i want to sore high above the clouds.Even tho maybe our own self doubt eats our own ambition,the lack of support trips us walking down the path of our life,should that stop us to live life standing on our feet,fighting,no matter what life and others throw at us,then live on our path kneeling down and accepting our inner demons that whisper in our ear our own self doubts we know all so well.The question we all must ask ourselfs is…Is it better to stand on the side and wonder what is like to feel the warmth of the sun,that touch of the unreachable,or like Icarus,rise above the clouds of our won misery,and fly above and away,hoping for the best,accepting what ever the flight gives us.Because maybe in the end…everything has a price,lying down and flying above…so why not dare to make our own dreams a reality?
I am used to be left with my thoughts, who most of the time shout at me in despair, telling me i am a failure. I feel lost in the dark. Even tho i have someone in my life, firat time in so many years, who wants to understand whats in my head, someone who wants to save me, i don’t really know do i want to be saved, or do i deserve it.
In my life i have been through all. Since 16 i was on my own, taking care of myself, living on the streets. I have worked and lived from that age by my self, never depending on anyone but myself. Yes throughout the years, everything just came together, like a rock, a boulder on my mind, on my soul, which made me fall through the floor of life. There were times i couldn’t escape it, and i hoped to end it. And twice… I was close. After that i somehow got myself together, out of anger out of spite i told myself i aint gonna give up, give it to that easy road. And throughout my life i never had anyone close to me who wanted to understand it. But now after so long i have.
I dont know why am i venting out, maybe coz its anonymous, maybe coz i need ti let it out. But to someone who is so long in the dark, to find somone willing to understand and try to share the burden of yours, which you carried sometimes barely, it means the world. But i am here, still trapped in my doubts, still trapped in my dark and not sure if i want to get out. I spoke of happiness here once, and told i am not sure everyone deserves it. And i am not so sure i do. The question is after you’ve been so long in the dark, been crushed and unhappy, what happens if you forgot how to be happy?
And now i am on a crossroad. To stay here in my country, alone, doing my meaningless job, but get payed more then decently, or go to the UK, live and work like a dog(no degree, every job if i can get would be you know, surviving) but being with the person who loves me, and trys uts harder to be my light. The problem is two questions come with the weight of the decision. First is, would she be accepting knowing my story, knowing i cant be successful, knowing i probably can’t be the person she wants. And secondly after beeing in the dark so long, do i now really want to see the light. I feel as the cave men in Platons allegory. I lived in the dark cave so long i don’t know any better anymore. But who knows, what tommorw brings. All i can do is hope the cards I’ve been delt are good enough for a bluff.